The Cluster Bomb of 110 Trump Axioms
Timothy Jenkins, July,
(Inspired by Laura Ward's Anthology of Put Downs in Acid Wit)
- Trump has all of the characteristics of a dog, except loyalty, an
awareness of smell, and a willingness to accept house training.
- He has not a single redeeming defect except mortality and maybe blindness.
- A dedicated Trump supporter is a hyena in a suit and tie with a flag in
his lapel. Believe me.
- Trump GOPers are always ready to lend a helping hand to those above them.
- His Attorney General looks like a little man with the face of a harassed
rat about to have a trap sprung on him.
- Trump is a great bowl full of vinegar without the salad, or anything
- Trump is filthy in word, filthy in thought — furious raging and obscene, so
much so that even the "and's" and "the's" in his statement are lies.
- Trump is not crazy, he's lazy. The Nazis around him do all the heavy
- Trump is noisy, ostentatious, and shallow — what more can the Alt-GOP want?
- His problem is he goes on so long, he fails to know how to get off either
Twitter or President Putin's bandwagon.
- His work is both good and original, but the good is not original and the
original is not good. Who said crime doesn't pay?
- Trump proves that Darwin was wrong at least in his particular case.
- The gentleman's smile is like satin lining in a coffin. It looks good
even though it tends to smell with time.
- It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy,
preceded with arrogance, and finishing with contempt blended with corruption.
- Trump doesn't just dye his hair and face, he's just prematurely orange.
- You really have to know him to dislike him, if you have the time to waste
and don't mind fleas.
- Trump is the only man low enough to walk under a bed without hitting his
head on reality.
- His lips are weapons of mass destruction for his friends if not for his
- He succeeds in pressing the largest amount of words into the smallest
amount of thought.
- Trump crossed the floor twice at the European summit meeting leaving a
trail of slime in each direction for others to diplomatically disinfect behind
- When they call the roll at the Trump cabinet they don't know whether to
answer present or not guilty.
- De Vos, Trump's MisEducation Secretary, is so ignorant she thinks Cheerios
are donut seeds or miniature replicas of her IQ scores.
- He told us he was going to take crime off the streets, but he didn't tell
us he was planning to move it into the White House.
- Trump stands out like a rotten mackerel in moonlight in that he shines out
and the stench is the best way to find him.
- Trump is like an over-ripe banana, yellow on the outside and squishy in
- Trump is the only instance of a rat swimming toward a sinking ship, while
shouting to his enemies they're going down.
- To see Trump trying to speak eloquently is like seeing a chimp handling a
Fabergi egg, a sure disaster in the making every time.
- Trump's speech is rather like the wings of an ostrich, allowing him to run
on but never threaten to soar.
- He sounds off like one who has befouled his underclothes and prevents
those around him to keep from openly noticing.
- He always gives me the impression that he is vertically challenged in
spite of his height.
- Trump is like a gallstone we just can't manage to pass — maybe surgery
- His conscience is an easy glove; it goes on and off without the slightest
effort or concealment.
- Trump say he's thinking of changing his mind. Let's hope the next one
works better than the first, if it exists at all.
- Trump has a lot of flexibility; he comes by it naturally. His father was a
snake as the record shows, just like his grandfather.
- Trumps' first six months in office can best be described as a breakdown in
slow motion without a tow truck.
- Which should we despise most: the feathers on his head or the feathers
inside his head — both make us want to sneeze.
- Trump's Attorney General Sessions reminds us of a taxicab with both doors
open and no one really at the wheel.
- When it came time for Spicy, Trump's Press Secretary, to answer for
Trump's non-performance his mouth suddenly filled with wet toilet paper.
- The problem with Trump is that he is so subliterate that he doesn't know
what that means.
- Trump is the only person I can imagine walking down a lover's lane holding
his own hand. I even suspect perhaps he'll end up dying in his own arms?
- Trump confused grandios with blandiose in seeking to highlight his
- It's like having a talking parrot who learned to use Twitter and just
can't get over touting his over-achievement.
- Seagulls we're told live on garbage and squawk a lot. They have that in
common with Trump and his flock of scavengers.
- Trump is something like an albino rat with bushy eyebrows and a swagger
with a 30% approval rating that he confuses with a majority.
- You can lead an ass to the White House, but you can't make him think? But
that's no reason to give up trying for impeachment.
- We are constantly told that Trump will take time to discover himself.
After all he's a rhinestone in the rough until the political grindstone
finishes him off.
- Trump's teleprompter stole the show for audience interest, by by proving`
that he could at least read the bullet points others prepared for him.
- Trump was generous with his milk-of-human-kindness promises to the poor — too
bad they hadn't been refrigerated instead of left out to curdle in the sun.
- At least give the Pope an "A"for his effort to win beatification by
silencing Trump for a moment to qualify as his miracle.
- There is much less in him than meets the eye if you wait long enough it is
bound to come out at one end or the other.
- Trump was annoyed to be given short shrift, when he spoke. He should have
been given ten years to life.
- Trump's speeches run the whole gamut from A to B. That was the only safe
course to avoid him losing his way.
- Trump is like an untethered Macy parade balloon, only in motion because of
the leaking hole at one or both of its ends.
- The lady told Trump she wouldn't mind at all if he smoked, but she would
rather that he lit up and burned, proclaiming she wasn't a terrorist, but a
- Trump was not so much dressed up as upholstered when he muscled his way in
front of the President of Montenegro for a photo op.
- At first I thought Trump was wearing his hair as food for the horses, then
we discovered it was to hide his blush whenever he lied.
- We all watched Trump skating on ice at the summit holding our breath for
the ice break under the weight of our prayers.
- Anyone who reported Trump had blown his brains out would only have been a
liar or at least a purveyor of patently impossible fake news.
- This Cabinet is a stampede of lips searching for access to the crease
inside his pants as demonstrated at their joint press conferences.
- Trump crosses himself before every speech to avoid the risk of lightning
for his lying in case God happens to be listening.
- Trump is the only politician able to swim in shark infested waters
counting on the immunity of professional courtesy or their known aversion to
- Trump is the only person I know who a mind reader would be obliged to give
half price for services, since it would take so little effort.
- Trump is the only person who combs with an egg beater and then has the
nerve to stand beside a well-groomed wife temporarily borrowed from a magazine
- Trump attested to his open mind by the draft coming through it — strong
enough to blow out the candles of his Chinese visitor's nice chocolate cake.
- The only reason Trump keeps changing wives is that he can't marry himself,
even in the State of Utah.
- Trump not only kept his figure all these years but he's added a great deal
to it in gluttony, not to mention scandalous amounts of excess baggage.
- He's so fat that when he wears yellow, school children keep trying to
climb on board whenever he bends over.
- His hair drapes over his forehead like an anesthetized broom, longing for
a much needed "pick me up" after a long day.
- Trump has proven so vile he could make a starving goat back away from an
oat bin. Just witness his difficulty recruiting appointees.
- His eyebrows are reminiscent of bleached wriggling caterpillars
looking for something more substantial to spin a cocoon on.
- Word has it that Trump flosses his teeth with barbed wire before tweeting
in the morning to assure it's real and raw like his bloody fans like it.
- Stiff, unbending and impenetrable and that's just his imagination, the
reality of his behavior is like the inside of Alcatraz.
- He is a male chauvinistic boor, or is it a boar — hair, tusks, and all,
waiting to be served up on a platter called an indictment.
- It is said Trump rose from disgrace without leaving a trace of his former
self until somebody found his tax filings.
- He gave his public what it wanted even though they were too dumb to ask,
for reasons of modesty or delusion.
- His Cabinet is like the back of a porcupine, one prick next to another as
far as the eye can see or dare to touch.
- Some say he won't go anywhere without his bible. That is because it has so
many references to hell as a place with which he is so comfortably familiar.
- A college student asked his plastic surgeon to make him like Trump. The
Doctor obligingly gave him a lobotomy.
- Trump is so crooked that if he swallowed a nail he would pass it out as a
- When somebody suggested Trump should take a wife, he characteristically
- Trump has an American face, but hides a Russian heart caked in Rubels.
- Trump won the election but Hillary won the count. Now we're all losers.
- It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a
detailed briefing paper into Trump's head.
- It is as though Trump thought science might be contagious, so he
inoculated himself with a daily diet of Fox misinformation before bed.
- He calls chalk what others call cheese and dismisses the difference as
- Trump disputes the descent of man from apes because he would prefer it the
other way around.
- His scientific preference is for a bloated head with little in it
rather than a normal head full of wonder and knowledge like the guy who
- It is inappropriate to laugh at a funeral until it is the right one.
- Trump's hell was not a vision of other people but feedback of his own
- Trump thinks that to be 100% American you must be 99% idiot.
- Trump's only exalted a sentiments are those that can be bought based on a
price tag on them beforehand.
- The safest way to sit through a Trump speech is to keep a sick bag at your
right hand as on a bumpy airplane ride.
- Trump doesn't believe what you don't know can hurt you, but what you don't
know won't hurt him!
- Trump's melting pot leaves those at the bottom to burn, while the scum
floats to the top to better skim off the cream.
- Trump is so highly religious he always crosses himself, for a little
extra protection, just before he double-crosses you.
- Trump treats incompetence as mere sincerity and sincerity as mere
incompetence, the way he selected his loyal cabinet members.
- I might not attend his funeral, but would send a letter of endorsement for
those paying the tab for the celebration.
- You take the lies out of him and he shrinks to a peanut; you remove the
malice and he disappears.
- Trump's VP Pence is as comfortable and charming as a dead mouse in a loaf
of bread and Trump's best insurance policy against the threat of impeachment.
- Trump has so many Russian bankers with hooks in his nose that he's
beginning to look like a piece of bait smeared in Rubels.
- He has so many Russian secrets in his closet they look like garment bags
with padlocks that give off noxious odors.
- He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear because he doesn't know the
meaning of that many words.
- Pence is Trump's designated gerbil set on a treadmill pretending
- Trump only opens his mouth to change feet, except when one has to
contradict the other at the same time.
- Trump only agrees to play golf if someone else chases down his errant
strokes and carries his clubs.
- Trump's notion of exercise is eating breakfast in bed and having to chew
his own food.
- If you substituted gunpowder for Trump's brains it wouldn't be enough to
blow his hat off assuming you could ever get it to light under water.
- Trump thinks the reference to "tactics" refers to his mints, not the
requirements of forethought before acting.
- Trump likes golf because it is more expensive than marbles and his
numerous trophies show he can do something of no benefit to the earth or
humanity better than others.
- Probably the only way Trump can learn to hold his tongue is for him to
stumble and fall over it, putting himself into a coma. We might all wish, but
the Secret Service won't allow us to say it.
Copyright © Timothy Jenkins, 2017
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